Making Sense Of A Game Of Thrones Porn Parody

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Published in ShortList magazine on 07 Sep 2017

Matt Blake goes on set to find out why so much money and care is being put into creating an x-rated vision of Westeros

All photography by Greg Funnell (www.gregfunnell.com)

Knight #3, wearing a black gown over chainmail and unbuttoned leather britches, is standing in a pool of light next to a giant throne made of swords, attending vigorously to his penis. A heraldic banner of a dragon hangs above the throne and on it sits a blonde in a red-velvet dress tailored to expose her enormous breasts like two horse thieves in a pillory. Around her stand three men, dressed similarly in medieval battledress, idly fondling the ends of their unsheathed and empurpled organs, each as hard as Valyrian steel and literally steaming like freshly-boiled bratwursts in the cold. They’re talking about Snapchat.

“Argh, f*ck,” Knight #3 curses. “Thought I had it.” He is suffering from a crisis all too common in his line of work. The cameraman who won’t stop whistling the Game Of Thrones theme tune clearly isn’t helping.

“Alright, mate,” comes a gentle voice as the film’s producer, Andy Paterson, steps into the light. “We really need to get on. We’ve got the Steel Throne gangbang, then Queen Sexcei’s girl-on-girl with Margerine, plus the fight scene between John Doe and the Dead Walkers.”

It’s a sunny April morning and we’re on location in the underground chamber of a dilapidated citadel in Kent. ‘Queen of Thrones’ is the title of this film, the latest of at least four Game of Thrones porn parodies made since Jon Snow and friends entered our lives in 2011. This one’s for Brazzers, a porn company with such online properties as babygotboobs.com, mommygotboobs.com and milfslikeitbig.com. As one of the world’s largest peddlers of adult content, Brazzers is spending big. “Typical high-profile series go from $100k to $1m,” a spokesperson told me, declining to give an exact figure for fear of tipping off competitors. It may seem small potatoes relative to Hollywood, but in porn that’ll buy you a blockbuster.

“I didn’t feel there Was really an ending, so I added a bit Where this magical gem explodes from the Red Lady’s vagina”

– Dick Bush, director –

Parodies, once a cheaply filmed niche segment of the adult-movie market, are now the biggest-budget offerings in porn – filled with expensive special effects, real storylines, actors who can (sometimes) actually act and costumes that even comic-book geeks might begrudgingly describe as ‘largely authentic’. Squint your eyes, tilt your head, and the clothing could easily feel at home on Sky Atlantic – all gold trims and fur fringes.

The throne, 8ft high and made of wood, was commissioned (at great expense, i’m assured) from a specialist craftsman in Birmingham. And they’ve hired out Fort Borstal, a 19th-century coastal defence station out by the youth offenders institute of the same name. The crew is far larger, more genial and pro than one expected – far from a squalid flesh flick, there’s no more prurience than you might find at an ad shoot for Cillit Bang.

Today’s star is a bubbly 38-year-old British mother of two, and award-winning ‘milf’, by the name of Rebecca More, whose next job, she tells me, will be to channel Theresa May in a TVX parody about Donald Trump (‘Snap Erection’, maybe?). She has a warm, motherly smile, breasts the size of bowling balls and a figure as firm as a Lannister’s promise. “I’m like, miss Yoga,” she laughs waving an enormous black rubber penis with testicles attached. “My body is my temple.”

What’s with the dildo? “Oh, this is my bum stretcher.”

 

Her props this morning are 44-year-old Pascal White, a Belgian porn veteran of 25 years; a handsome Frenchman called Dorian who nobody seems to know, and Xander Corvus, a raffish skater-type who’s been flown in from California especially. Dressed in leather trousers, tunic and a fur-fringed cloak, he’ll be playing our gravel-voiced hero, John Doe. With more than 390 adult credits to his name and over a dozen awards, he is one of the most sought-after erections in the business. “I guess I put my success down to two things,” he says. “One, I’ve never had a problem getting hard and keeping it which, as you saw, not everyone can do. And two, I’m a trained actor – before porn iI started out doing mainstream acting for Nickelodeon.”

He’ll need all his thespian powers today, for ‘Queen of Thrones’ is going in creative directions that ‘Game of Bones’ (Woodrocket. com, 2013), ‘This Ain’t Game of Thrones XXX’ (Hustler, 2014) and ‘Gay of Thrones’ (Men.com, 2014) didn’t dare: within each of the four 40-minute episodes, at least a quarter is dedicated to plot.

“I didn’t feel there was really an ending [when I first saw the script],” says the film’s affable director Dick Bush, who studied at the London Film School before “falling into” porn. “So, when John Doe has sex with the Red Lady, I added a bit where this magical gem explodes from her vagina that has the power to bring back Daniellys or kill the Dead walkers to save humanity. You need a complication, or a choice. That’s film school 101.”

Still failing porn school 101, however, is Knight #3, who is yet to rub life back into his wilting erection.

 

Keeping Character

Back on set, everyone else is ready. First, Corvus conducts a short conference with More as per her personal boundaries. “No DP [double penetration], but spanking is fine, gentle choking, spitting,” she chirps. “Don’t forget to slap me with your cock.”

The four abide a quick Hitchcocking from Bush: “You’re going to bring her in, holding one arm each, chuck her over to John Doe. John Doe, remember you’re broody, angry. Queen passionately says, ‘I want one last f*ck before the Steel Throne,’ and you know the rest… aaaand, action.”

The three men fling more on to the Steel throne from which she starts fellating. Then, White flips her and, for the next 30 minutes or so, her hindquarters are subjected to a jack- hammering worthy of a team of Highways Agency road resurfacers taking up the M1. She is heaved, hauled and hoisted about the throne in a spinning sun wheel of well-toned limbs.

She never falls out of character. At one point, a sword clatters to the floor, to which she ad libs, “Wreck my castle, why don’t you?”

But White, mishears. “You want me to wreck your asshole?”

“No, my castle,” she says, “But also my asshole.”

A few more positions and the sex is done. I must say here that seeing all this is impressive, but about as erotic an experience as watching a basement-conversion montage sequence on Grand Designs. But it isn’t awkward, either, despite coming to within a sidestep of seeing More’s breakfast.

There is a genuine sense of professionalism here. Men, I’m told by people on set, are paid between £400 and £1,300 a day. Female stars can earn up to three times that. If porn’s old Lovelace-ian subtext of despair, addiction and disease still lives, it doesn’t seem to have come to Fort Borstal, at least. “I love my job,” says More, convincingly, her face by now glistening with a cocktail of male genetic specimen. “I have a wonderful life.”

Hard Truths

Outside in the courtyard, Corvus is with Danny D, arguably Britain’s most famous male pornstar thanks in part, he says, to “the biggest white dick in porn”. Danny is playing Jeromay Bannister in ‘Queen of Thrones’, though he’s not shooting today. The pair are consoling Knight #3. “I’ve no idea what happened,” he says. “It was just in that moment, like, ‘Now go!’ without any warm up, kissing, nothing.”

“It happens man,” sympathises Corvus. “Don’t let it get in your head.”

Knight #3 walks off. Danny has more to say. “It’s tough for him, man, but look, we’re not here to make friends, we’re here to make porn. It’s a cut-throat business, and you have to be able to work in any conditions. I mean, once I was dressed as hitler, f*cking a nun on a bible. Another scene I did was at a funeral, where we gang-banged the widow on the coffin. The director was like, ‘More tears, can you cry?’ That was a British company, not Brazzers. So f*cked up.”

The afternoon passes in similar fashion to the morning, with a girl-on-girl scene between more and Ella Hughes, an elfin 22-year-old rising-star from Birmingham, who actually played a bit part in the real Game of Thrones. The day ends with a surprisingly convincing fight scene in some nearby woods between Corvus and some Dead Walkers.

It’s an impressive production – the acting is serious and the storyline carefully-considered. Even the sex – hardcore though it is – feels strangely Game of Thrones-y. “What’s nice with Game of Thrones is that it’s very titillating,” says Bush, “but fans don’t get to see their favourite characters go all the way, which is the fantasy, and what a parody is all about.”

But will it make money? Brazzers says that’s not the point. “This parody was produced to entertain our paid members,” a spokesman tells me. “This full-length parody will only be seen by paid members of Brazzers.com.”

True, but isn’t there more to it than that? This is content endowed with the spirit of our time with an aim to get journalists, like me, writing and people talking, as if Ryanair were to produce a grime album or if H&M launched a Brexit-themed summer collection. It puts me in the surreal meta-position of being invited on a set to write about a film made, in part at least, for the purpose of having me, and journalists like me, write about it.

“The porn parody is the last bastion of the porn blockbuster,” says Peter warren, senior editor at trade publication Adult Video News. “Years ago there were tons of original features that got made, but there aren’t many of those any more. [But] there’s something intrinsic to the porn parody that eternally catches people’s attention. You know that when they’ve made a porn parody out of you then you’ve made it.”

With that, he adds, “Still, how successful they are is a closely guarded secret. It’s an enigmatic business, and whoever’s making the money doesn’t want to say how much they are making for fear that secret might get out.”